


Manic Mistakes

by friendsofthemusain24601



Series: Harry Potter [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Caring Remus, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Harm, This one is quite sad, poor sirius, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 11:03:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15290124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendsofthemusain24601/pseuds/friendsofthemusain24601
Summary: Sirius has a breakdown and relapses. Remus has to help put him back together again. TW self-harm! It's not particularly graphic, but I did write this in a bit of a bad spell so it is quite depressing whoops.





	Manic Mistakes

At first Remus wasn't sure what to do with the scene before him. His eyes glazed over it, unseeing and uncertain. No matter how many times he walked in on this, he would never remember to breathe when he saw him collapsed on the floor like so. “Oh Sirius,” Remus exhaled softly.  
Peering up through his long and uncombed hair the crumpled man whispered “Help me”, cracking Remus’ heart in two.  
“What have you gotten yourself into now?” he gently inquired, heart pounding.  
Remus knew that he should walk over there and make sure that Sirius wasn't hurt, and everything inside of him wanted to, but god was he frightened. Experience told him to be very, very afraid of what he might find, and as such he was panic stricken. It wasn't until Sirius whimpered for help that Remus even found he could move. His feet echoed on the hardwood floor and with each step the dread grew until he reached the man he cared so deeply for. Immediately he wished he had not. He wanted to be anywhere but this exact moment and place, or time- or- hell anything was better than this. He wanted to run away screaming or to tear out his own hair until bloody fistfulls graced the floor. Remus did none of these things. Rather, he bit his cheek until the pain brought him back into the present, and he quickly tried to assess the scene. It was a hellish landscape; something out of the nightmares Sirius knew all too well. His own life had become a nightmare early on, and Merlin knows what horrors went on each night underneath his messy hair. The hair was the first thing that Remus noted in the moment as he paused for a sharp breath. The air choked him as much as the blood from biting his cheek too hard; in addition to the knowledge that it looked so normal from an outside perspective. 

Upon walking through the door a person would see the grey walls and hardwood floors meeting at a couch, and at the bottom of that couch was Sirius lounging against it. That was the first piercing detail Remus was afraid of. Sirius did not lounge; leftover training from his poisonous family that had been drilled into his head. Unless Sirius was completely relaxed with the Marauders, or he was stretched out across Remus as he played with Sirius’ hair, he did not slouch. He sat on the couch or chair with such rigid posture it made Remus want to cry. The thought of the energetic young boy he knew being conditioned into a completely straight and still position…. This was the first thing wrong. Not only was he on the floor slouching, but his head was at a weird angle, as if he started curling in on himself and just, gave up. There were beer bottles surrounding him, and Remus felt his heart stop when he saw the broken bottle and the way Sirius was holding his arms into himself, shielding them from his vision. Shiny and clear, the bottle would mean nothing to most, but in the hands of a manic Sirius, proved deadly.  
It wasn’t the first time Remus had walked in on this, but he couldn’t handle the knowledge of what had happened, and knowing nothing he could do would make a difference once it started. Sirius’ manic fits of self destruction were as inevitable as they were explosive. He was a volcano that would scorch anyone who dared get in the way of his self inflicted ire. The blazing hatred in his eyes glowed scarlet, matching the blood cascading down his wrists. 

It was plain to see the minute Sirius realized that he knew; without moving, their eyes met, and for Remus this was the worst of it. Those grey eyes were completely void of- well- anything, and the emptiness made the pain ever so much more prevalent. This was the worst moment out of many for Sirius as well. He couldn't bear looking at his love and confessing what he had done. He couldn't stand the idea of Remus being sad, and he knew this would hurt him badly.  
The thought of making Remus hurt was the worst outcome of all, and this was entirely his fault. 

“What happened Sirius?” Remus asked quietly, the seconds waiting for his response so heavy that they practically dripped from the ceiling. Remus knew the answer to the question and every millisecond that went by his chest constricted tighter. Sirius was unable to produce words, and his already vacant eyes slowly looked up at Remus as he uncurled his arms. The breath hitched in Remus’ throat despite knowing this was coming as he bore witness to the thick slices up and down Sirius’ arms. Remus froze and frantically stated “I don't know what to do”.  
Sirius replied “Neither did I”, and did the next most terrifying thing that could have possibly happened in this already horrific moment. He laughed. A barking, mirthless laughter that started out much too loud, and then quieted, but refused to end, freezing Remus where he stood. Sirius laughed for minutes at a time because he didn't know what else to do and couldn't cope with any of this, to Remus’ horror.  
And the arms. Remus couldn't stop focusing on the wrists Sirius had slashed into red ribbons. God, there was so much blood.  
The horror grew as Sirius pitched into another loud belt of laughter and started to pull on his hair. At first he ran his hands through it as a calming mechanism, and then it escalated along with his pitch of laughter. Suddenly he was digging his hands into his hair and shoving his face into his knees, making himself as small as possible.

When his shrieking quieted at last he looked at Remus again and flatly apologized.  
“Moony, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. ” The apologies increased in fervor like the laughter, shaking Remus out of his frozen state and he rushed to wrap Sirius in his arms.  
“There's nothing to forgive.”


End file.
